I just read the following sentence off a CBS press release regarding the upcoming season premiere of “2 Broke Girls.” It stated:

“Television star, entrepreneur, fashion designer, producer and author Kim Kardashian West…”

And I was instantly angry. Angry that this woman continues to represent the American Dream at its most vulgar. I came of age in a Jackie Collins’ written standard of ostenatious, excess and vanity that seems quaint by comparison. Who knew we should value the power of a sex tape? Or worse, having a enabling media structure that allows for this phenomenon to be validated over and over again?

But you know, I can rant and rave for only so long. What did Kim K. do to me? Not a damn thing. And my rage isn’t so much against her. It’s about hating what I’m doing to myself at this very moment.

I never wanted to keep up with the Kardashians, but I did want to keep up with the rest of my media brethren to be “someone” or to be “noticed.” I have the urge to create, but it comes in strange spurts. It is not consistent. Rather, it is on par with binge eating. I go days without a thought or impulse, then something triggers me and I’m reaching for my Mac. It is reckless, unfocused and not doing me any favors.

In the weeks since coming home from Salamanca, all I’ve done is indulge my own weak self in my worst behaviors. Overeating? Check. Overspending? Check. Sleeping too much? Check. Not exercising? Check.

Depressed? Check.

I will whine that I miss who I was in Spain. I will moan that life was better in Spain. I am maudlin and full of self-pity and self-reproach, but I don’t feel magnificent at all. I feel like I am obfuscating the clarity of the summer. Despite the promise of a new job and brighter future ahead, all I feel inside is…nothing.

Somehow this has to end. Somehow the narrative has to be refocused with optimism and not buried within layers of cynicism and anger. A summer in Spain wasn’t the answer or solution, and maybe I hoped it would be. Going back is not an option at the moment. No, Spain was a window that opened to a new vision of good within. And I slammed it shut like a spoiled child because I didn’t like the view when I got home.

What’s the good of change when all you do is revert to the previous draft of your life? All I know, I won’t sell myself to make a point.

To be continued…

#reboot #forwardmotion #stayhere 

Tuesday, August 26, posted from Wayne Avenue Manor.

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